Thursday, July 10, 2014

Throwin' That Shade - Sex, Honesty & Vulnerability

Photo: Tiffany Ireland Photography / MUA: Teresa Bussey of Dead Heaven

Yeow peoples!! Offering up a free download of "Throwin' That Shade" on Soundcloud today to encourage high-sass levels. This song will be sung live and performed to by Lola Frost and a bevy of hot ass dancers at this year's Bass Coast project on Saturday night at 10 PM on Mainstage. 

Some symbiotic Russell Brand / Brené Brown influences poppin up all over my scribblin's n' clickity-clacks this week. (My everpresent bracket-abuse, however, makes me feel like i could use a punctuation proofreader or who knows my speaking pattern. Must LEARNZ... LEARNNNNNNNZ!!! If that person is you, drop me a note. End bracket).

Russell Brand you may have heard of; he's the politically charged English comic / recovered addict whom I personally find to be one of the best and most engaging writers on the planet. I HIGHLY recommend his books and blogs if you are interested in getting to know some work that is completely irreverent in all the best ways, and totally non-judgemental of himself, which I think is possibly the best quality of a human being to have, cuz then you can use that honestly to move forward. Love that dude. Funny as fuck, too.

Brené Brown is a researcher and writer on the topics of vulnerability and shame, two themes that appear again and again for me in various forms in my life. Her basic findings after studying human behaviour patterns for years and years and years is that being able to step into a place of vulnerability is key for human happiness; its also the crux of creative power. A sliver of her work:

On the tip of vulnerability, and Throwin' That Shade: I'm kinda “over” some recent posts and discussions I'm hearing from people still acting all surprised that sex in the party or festival context can still breed feelings, attachment or unintended aftermath. “But why can't they just be cool?' etc etc, not the least of whom are DJs, musicians and, yes, quite a few burlesque performers when they have dipped into the fan-dom pool, for example. When friends or people in proximity who have hooked up at a festival or after party, but haven't communicated ... weird energy can ensue. We all know this. I have some thoughts. :)  

For me it all comes down to this: last time I checked, the age of sexual liberation does not mean the end of responsibility. THIS STILL APPLIES in a party-type setting, I think. I love having sex, and I don't always have to be in the context of a definitive relationship or dating scenario to engage, but I'm also like, a totally a sensitive person (ohhh c'maaaaaan, don't act all surprised).  Everybody is trying to be all "cool"and "casual" all the time, but I'm over it. What's wrong with admitting that people have feelings? What's wrong with asking "what happened there?" if you need to? I think its important to remember that EVEN if it might seem implausible or distorted, getting involved physically can unlock certain things when prodded with, ahem, keys... even if neither person intended for that to happen. I mean, it could also just unlock a thunderous “noooo” or “whoops” ... obviously there are a thousand scenarios, but the point is that no one knows what's going to happen. Its a risk that is taken I think, and a risk that in my opinion deems a bit of follow-up sometimes, especially if everyone is in close proximity for the weekend and you are "feeling" that person giving the eye. :)

This is where the vulnerability thing comes in: I literally sometimes feel like people would rather run themselves over with a stampede of angry, obnoxiously painted monster-trucks than to directly admit how they feel. Especially if they're interested in exploring things further and are unsure if its mutual, but almost MORE if they realize they are no longer really interested. BUT you know what? Our feelings are our feelings. We don't have to feel guilty about them. If I find the person I've fooled around with is still trying to engage on a level I'm not feeling, that's MY cue for a DIRECT, CLEAR, RESPECTFUL and VERBAL conversation about where I'm at, gently, clearly, in all honesty, and as soon as possible. Doesn't need to be dramatic. In fact, ninety-nine percent of the time I feel like I'll seriously AVOID any dramatic or awkward energy by having this simple conversation, and as far as I'm concerned, no one has any grounds to complain or wonder “why they can't just be cool”  if they haven't done that. And I don't mean, for the love of eye-rolls, “communicating” disinterest by ignoring them, posting weird vague-book stuff, avoiding them or behaving not very nicely so he/she'll “get the hint” and leave me alone. That doesn't count, like, at all. THAT is the shit that breeds drama I feel. I know its hard, but accessing compassion, and making intentions, or lack there-of, known and on the table so that person can make a dignified decision about what to do next... that's respect I feel. I feel like if I can let them touch all my fun bits, I can pay them the respect of doing that... even if it's not the most fun conversation ever. THAT'S what I mean by responsibility. Ummmkayyyyyyy. :)

On the flipside, I think its equally important to TELL THE TRUTH if feelings come up for me with someone. I haven't always done this. I admit it. I don't know, maybe something about the nineties I think got me all psyched on the idea that it was cool as a liberated woman to have sex and feel emotionally detached about it. THANKS A LOT SHIRLEY MANSON!!! Hahah. What was up with that?  I mean, yes, it is irritating to have any form of gender stereotypes about how women behave when it comes to sex, and I do enjoy slashing those stereo-types with a giant razor of awesomeness in many other levels in my work and my life. For example, I do strongly feel that the sex should be way less taboo, less commodified, more enjoyed and more incorporated as a natural, important, healthy and fun part of life. But I have to remind myself that to me, true liberation is the ability to be authentic, and the ability to live in our authenticity. I'm a burlesque-strip-teasing rapper who loves to write, read & rave; and guess what: having sex isn't really that casual for me. Shit comes up, lots of times unexpected, and I have to force myself to admit that when it happens, and if necessary, back away from situations where my feelings aren't matched. Because --- learn it from me --- you can't win someone's heart with your fun bits. No matter how fun they are. It's just not possible. Trust. Ya know? Yuuuusssh. Judgement free. 

Speaking of not judging, you know what else can happen sometimes when you have a bunch of sex at festivals? BABIES. Just sayin'. :) In um, a totally unrelated point (cough cough ahem) tonight we have both our Sweet Soul moms on deck at The Keefer Bar, 9pm, 135 Keefer!!  Cara Milk's babe is over a year , and Cherry's is 3 months... amazing. Here they are rockin' their gangster mom signs:

Raccoon Tristan Risk will be joining us. Details here:

I'll also be at Wiggle 20 this year!! Wooot!!! Friday as part of FUSE at the Vancouver Art Gallery & Saturday at the Fox cabaret. If you enjoy FABULOUS drag queens and jaw-dropping eleganza fantasy hair-show fashion ish, this is for you hunty:

Be sassilicious to each other. :)
'Til next week!!!!!