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| QUARANTINA BIRTHDAY w/ those hot roots spillin' secrets all over the place. shiiii |
WELL. I have to say my 39th birthday was actually pretty fabulous and VERY "Aries - The CP Story". Strong start, very excited, got tipsy and went IG live only to realize that it’s incredibly glitchy and stuttered and kept crashing for like, EVERYONE (sarry about it). I then got frustrated not being able to properly interact or land jokes due to the lag, so I kind of stopped after about an hour. CLASSIC. 😎😂🎉
Def had a big bout of darkness and anxiety this week, which I recognize might be related to post-party brain dips, but also could maybe be, I don’t know, THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC currently happening. As the kinda bitch who strives to push the envelope and exercise my freedoms shamelessly, new restrictions come not-so-delicately wired to a deep, rooted rage. I am someone who consciously revels in rebellious, libertine-esque indignation as a general lifestyle choice, and I recognize this means I hold an insane amount of privilege, but nevertheless, that’s my deal. Logically, I knew it was very “first-world” and JUST a weee bit disproportionate to hurl hell’s fury at the locks on the tennis courts where I like to practice rollerskating, but I have to tell you, it REALLY seemed warranted at the time.
I imagined what it must be like for the people who are properly fucked right now; people who are being forced to work in terrible conditions because they can’t afford to get sick, people in the immigration border camps, people defending their land up North. I raged. And I raged about how powerless I feel. AND, thanks to standard boomer parent programming, I had to remind myself OVER and OVER and OVER that it's okay to be upset even though my life is a relative breeze. Any of these sound familiar? "I'll give you something to cry about". "You're being silly". "Settle down". I mean to be fair I get why parents do that, since babies cry over literally everything, but it can take conscious effort to shhh those voices now. I did it tho. I let myself fully surrender to the emotions that DEMAND for me to participate in the overwhelming call-to-action happening all around the world. I think it's important to do. I def want to stay connected to that.
Beyond all of this craziness tho, I'll be straight-up: this been a fucking painful, awkward and loss-filled 38th year. I made a LOT of seriously uncomfortable trial-and-error adjustments last year, house-wise, job-wise, friends-wise; my daily routines, even the way I drink (I’m stoked, but damn. SO much work and failed attempts to get there). The flip side, tho, is that all these changes were a result of some serious progress around my self esteem and my sense of personal power. I guess you could call it , um, “growing up”. UGHHHHHHH
Here’s the big one: I shed some good friends -- at one point, were best friends, even -- who, for whatever (perfectly valid) reason, were no longer able to show up for me. And that might sound like a no-brainer, but unfortunately the way these things usually happen isn’t always because everyone is all forthcoming about growing apart with lots of tears and hugging and greeting cards. Nope. Sometimes “not-showing-up” manifests in a lot of denial, passive aggression, avoidance and promise-breaking. I’d be lying if I told you that a lot of events around this shift weren't profoundly disappointing, but no one's perfect I guess, including me. Here’s the magic thing tho. For the first time in my life, I didn’t try to fix things. I didn’t overcompensate. I didn’t try harder or betray my own boundaries to keep everything “working”. I didn’t fight it. Instead I simply adjusted my choices to reflect my true values. And it was rough, but you know what? Sad news is never fun. Doesn’t mean it isn't key information. And damned if being able to face and handle that shit doesn’t make me feel powerful AF.
16 years of joy and fun and debauchery. Wild nights of shows, sex and secrets. The killer lessons and SOLID savvy I earned from Sweet Soul will remain safely tucked in my bra, along with some very epic stories, hopefully that I will write about it one day. Maybe here? Maybe as part of a book? One day. No regrets, but one thing's for sure: the spell is broken. No longer am I living in the la-la land of my 20s where red flags only served to point me towards the path to familiarity. 😂 I’ll tell ya, it’s one thing to take the time to realize the unhelpful patterns you recreate as a young adult, it’s quite another to watch yourself break free of them. I’m fucking strong. And now I have THAT to offer that up to the next big chapter.
In comes 39, and out goes a really big, glittery, era of my life. It’s been over “unofficially” for a long time, “officially” for a short time, but was only finally truly and fully released by my heart, with this pretty, pink, full moon.
I love you all. See you ‘round the 22nd?
Xoxo
CP
Xoxo
CP
