Another Fallen Star

Trigger warning: drug use, death, trauma, mental health. 💙

Gracie. Portrait by Megs Majewski

A lot of close humans in my life are hurting after the sudden loss of Gracie Perkins, a beloved, vibrant, magical woman in our community. Many of them are fellow rave veterans preparing for the busiest summer months. In the spirit of care and connection, I would like to offer something personal. I genuinely hope it might be of some use to someone.

Years ago, I found myself grieving at this time of year. It was a big summer with lots of gigs and lots
of raving. I wish I could say I prepared in advance for all the accompanying temptations, and that I
coped in a healthy way. I did not. 

I had every intention of doing so, however, and that's the part I wanted to highlight. I’ve raved for two
decades and I am smart enough to know that life is hard enough without the horrible shame-over
cycles and a brain fried like a smol egg, producing zero happy juice. I know when I’m enhancing a moment vs when I am trying to numb out. Despite all my intentions, I straight-up forgot / didn’t give a fuck about any of that after about drink #3. I started having a LOT of trouble “shushing” the nasty voice that urged me to make shittier and shittier choices. Teamed up with my drunk self, it had QUITE the time bossing me around for a good long while.

I wince hard, even now, over the 10000 super dangerous and gross mistakes I made while I was
really fucked up. There's a few I’m still paying for, quite honestly. 

Obviously a few nights of blowing off steam would probably have been fine, (and again -- that was
the plan) but if I’d known how easy it was gonna be to slip into weeks into actual months, I would’ve
planned ahead for temptation. I would’ve legit set hard limits on my use and of nights out. No carte blanche ticket to Fucknut Town for months on end because “I’m in pain”. (That excuse didn't even make sense because it did not make the pain stay away. It just made me do stupid shit). I would have had a festival recovery plan, and asked for help from non-judgemental friends. I would have checked in with them BEFOREHAND to help me stay accountable instead of seeking out those who enabled me AFTER I had already flown off the handle. I would have prioritized setting up a self-care process BEFORE I went raving all summer instead of eventually stitching one together in a blurry, serentonin-sapped mess. 

I don't love thinking about that time in my life, but I forgave myself. And no matter what, I will not
shame you. Reach out if you're having a rough time. I have worked to create time and
heart-space for the people in my community. I am here.

There’s a lot of strange, complex emotions with grief. On a super personal tip, now that I’ve spent a
few years digging deeper into my past, I know that I was punishing myself; self-inflicting shame and
guilt. It sounds weird, but getting super f**ked up and self-destructive still actually made me feel closer
to my sister somehow, like sinking into that dark vibe made her less far away. I’m not sure how to
describe it. I just know it really felt like a good idea at the time, which is scary.

My closeys know this, but it took me a hot minute to get back to a healthy place, mentally. I still
sometimes go through long stints of not drinking if I’m feeling fragile; I reset all my party moves
every so often. Every year around this time, I have to be careful not to slip into a dark place. I have
a personal emergency EJECT button, which to run to the coast IMMEDIATELY and cry and sing at
the ocean and write a million things and watch drag queens and talk to people I love. And bunnies.

I try to focus on now is the idea that grief is a process of love. Grief exists only because there is
so much love.

My heart goes out to all the friends and family who loved this beautiful soul, Gracie.

xoxoxo

CP