COVID DIARIES - DAY 1 / SOCIAL DISTANCING - DAY 8
FOCUS
This morning I felt the call to wake up early (which I NEVER do), do some stretching, and sit down to start documenting my experience. I do not know why I feel such a strong call, but it popped up HARD and clear during my awkward kitchen yoga practice yesterday -- “HEY BITCH!!! EARLY START. BLOG WRITING. TOMORROW.” And I was like, "what?" but of course my body was like, “cool” and woke up naturally at 7 ish, so here I am. It’s been awhile since I’ve dedicated any real time to my blog because adulting is FUCKING exhausting. I also still grapple with my two biggest blocks: my inner critic (SUCH an asshole), and second, my tendency to start OH SO STRONG and then lose interest / burn out. One thing I don’t really do tho, is stop trying. So for whatever reason the call has come from within (dramatic voice) and I really have no fucking excuse, so why not try. It’s a new day, new moon in my sign, Aries. Maybe not everything has to be so fucking perfect all the time and I can just post what I write without manicuring it forty thousand times hey? Let’s start some COVID-DIARIES.
Alright so. I've been working from home for 8 days, and we’re all doing this new thing called “social distancing” right now. My feed has exploded with people yelling at other people to do the right thing, which is to stay at home, make essential trips out ONLY if necessary, and stay two metres away from other humans other than your Germ Pod (aka the people you sleep/live with). The government has just announced new emergency laws in which people can be fined $1000 for breaking “social distancing” guidelines and non-essential businesses will be fined $50K (It is interesting, and somewhat appropriate I feel, to note that liquor stores count as “essential businesses”). Personally I have yet to see anyone in my feed admit to breaking these rules but I live in a pretty left-leaning echo chamber. I wonder how many idiots are listening. I hope they are.
Canada seems to be holding it down so far in the comparative case department but we’re just starting to get into the time when symptoms could start showing up. My partner Gregg and I have been navigating this day by day, almost hour by hour, and TBH it’s kind of mentally exhausting. It feels like people don’t actually know what the fuck is going on and things change all the time. It feels like because the media and social media are now designed to keep you coming back / checking in, it’s a non-stop whirlwind of fucked up news. My friend told me he & his partner have a new rule: no talking about COVID-19 first thing in the morning or right before bed. I think that’s probably a good move. For me I might need to cut my news checking to just noon and night. I resist the idea that my safety will somehow be enhanced by the compulsive scrolling I’m prompted to do simply to ease the manufactured anxiety these companies have deliberately crafted within me to fill their pockets. Considering there are so many skewed thoughts out there and that the media is needing to fill up valuable air-time 24 hours a day, I can only imagine the mad drama filler and far-reaching human “interest” stories I’ll be missing by checking out for most of the day. (I mean, what else are they going to report on? The fact that the Wet'suwet'en are still getting screwed? -- pssssh. That was SO last month).
But mostly I’m choosing to check only twice a day because I have shit to do and I can’t waste energy on that draining-ass spiral. I’m going to FOCUS. First of all I need to make sure my family is doing okay and that means a phone call daily. Second of all I need to check in on the humans I know who are quarantined ALL BY THEMSELVES, and those with compromised immune systems -- or at least make sure someone else is checking in on them. Third of all I need to make a list of all the health care workers in my life and figure out a way to support them safely, which I think maybe I’ll cook them some dinners? Like if they are going to be totally ravaged and emotionally drained at the end of their days I’m not even going to ask them how their day was or “if I can do anything”. I’m gonna be like, “do you want me to make you a fucking veggie lasagna? Or do you need a bag of weed? I’m going to drop that shit outside your house. I love you.” Or something. I don't know.
But in order to do all this shit I need to keep MY shit in some cute piles, and for me personally that means pulling myself out of my imagination, not making up stories about what could happen, and connecting with that part of me on a daily that is scared and mad so I can move through it and not spiral even more. Yah, you heard me. I’m fucking mad. Things were going pretty great for me before all this shit happened after a lonnnng time of stuff being pretty challenging. I’m bummed and I’m mad and I’m also pretty fucking worried about my American homies. And I know I need to sit with that stompy baby inside of me, and be like, “it’s ok to be mad, be scared, it’s okay baby” and comfort her. That takes focus and energy too and it's not as fun as seeing my hot friends' mask couture on Instagram but I GUESS it's more important. *sigh*
I also want to try to kick ass and show my value at my job. I feel IMMENSELY grateful for the fact that I'm working from home, but the studio is shut down and could very well be for who knows how long so I gotta kick some ass and show my value. That's gonna take focus as well. Working from home is distracting AF!! Have you seen my bunnies? UM. They are insanely adorable. And also eating a lot of hay right now. Uhhhhh groceries... fuck. k
So FOCUSING is going to be my focus. Shhhhh-ing everything else for even 45 min at a time. Zeroing in on where I put my energy and keeping my feet, head and heart firmly on the ground. Remembering how my sister used to see my brain pin-balling, zipping back and forth in a whirlwind of thoughts and ideas. She would grab me by the shoulders, and snap, “CRYSTAL! FOCUS!!” I can hear her almost now, looking down, having a giggle at me. I hope she’s kinda proud. I AM FOCUSING.
K gotta go do some shit. See you bitches tomorrow! I have a list of movie & streaming recommendations for everyone.
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| my bunnies @bettie_and_franklin |
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| my blurry-ass face |
